BEARY PLEASED TO MEET YOU! 5/18/04: HEARD THE TELL-TALE SOUND OF AEROSOL SPRAY COMING FROM THE BATHROOM STALL NEXT TO ME THIS MORNING, AND WAS THRILLED TO REALIZE THAT I WAS ABOUT TO MEET MY FIRST FDS WOMAN. 5/17/04: FOUND MYSELF EXPERIENCING A BAD CASE OF THE MONDAYS TODAY, BUT I KNEW JUST THE THING TO CHEER ME UP -- A TRIP TO MACY'S AND A LITTLE QUALITY TIME WITH MY FAKE WEDDING REGISTRY SCANNER GUN. DECADENT! 5/16/04: FIRST, I RECEIVED A CALL FROM THE SEATTLE EAGLE REQUESTING THAT I FLY UP FOR A GUEST DJ SPOT AT MY EARLIEST CONVENIENCE. LATER, A LOCAL LUMINARY (WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MY PERSONAL STYLIST) ASKED ME TO DJ AT HIS NEW CLUB WITH SEVERAL OTHER RISING STARS. ALL I COULD SAY WAS, "SLOW DOWN, EVERYONE. I'M DANCING AS FAST AS I CAN!" 5/15/04: THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY WAS DISCOVERING THAT THE AMERICAN SOCIETY OF UROLOGISTS IS HAVING ITS ANNUAL CONVENTION AT THE MOSCONE CENTER. LOCAL READERS, I URGE YOU ALL TO MAKE THEM FEEL WELCOME IN OUR FAIR, URINE-LADEN CITY. 5/14/04: WHILE WAITING FOR MY DOUBLE SOY LATTE THIS MORNING, THE BARISTA COMMENTED ON MY "INK" AND ASKED WHERE I WAS GETTING MY "WORK" DONE. THESE BITS OF TERMINOLOGY ARE SECOND AND THIRD ONLY TO "NICE TATS" ON MY MASTER LIST OF TATTOO ANNOYANCES. 5/13/04: FOR THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH, I SAW THE COMMERCIAL FOR A NEW DRUG THAT TREATS CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME. SADLY, I AM STILL DOOMED TO A LIFETIME OF EXHAUSTION, AS I ALSO SUFFER FROM NO-MEMORY SYNDROME AND CAN'T RECALL ITS NAME. 5/12/04: TALK ABOUT YOUR SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCES! I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH A TYPING TUTORIAL TO CONFIRM MY IMPRESSIVE WPM RATE, AND THE PROGRAM STARTED GIVING ME A SERIES OF "DIFFICULT WORDS AND PHRASES TO TYPE," A FEW OF WHICH WERE AS FOLLOWS: SOMA, SALOON, ASSHOLE, RICHMOND, HUSTLER, BICYCLE. I AM TERRIFIED RIGHT NOW. 5/11/04: I'LL ADMIT THAT I'VE BEEN HITTING THE BOTTLE A BIT HARDER THAN USUAL AS OF LATE, BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT DRINKING ON THE JOB. YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT BY LOOKING AT ME THOUGH -- AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF "LADY SLINGS THE BOOZE," I CAME INTO WORK THIS MORNING AND REALIZED I HAD LIT UP A CIGARETTE WHILE SITTING RIGHT HERE AT MY DESK. I EXPECT TO BE FIRED BY WEEK'S END. 5/10/04: I HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO STOP IN AT ONE OF SAN FRANCISCO'S MOST DECADENT NIGHTSPOTS LAST EVENING -- THE VIEW BAR ON THE 32ND FLOOR OF THE MARRIOTT. AFTER PERUSING THE MENU, MY DRINKING COMPANION AND I SETTLED ON HAVING MAKERS+GINGERS, AN ANTIPASTI PLATE, AND A HOT FINGERBANGING SESSION IN THE BATHROOM. BUT WHEN THE LADY IN THE STALL NEXT TO US TOOK A GIANT SHIT, THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING WE COULD DO -- HEAD STRAIGHT TO THE KARAOKE BAR! 5/08/04: IF YOU KNOW ME AT ALL, YOU KNOW I LOVE TESTING NEW PRODUCTS. WELL, FRIENDS, TODAY I WAS SHOPPING 'TIL I DROPPED ON TONY MELROSE AVENUE, WHEN I FOUND A REAL GEM. YOU KNOW, AFTER A SIX-HOUR DRIVE, ORDINARILY I'D JUST STAY IN AND HAVE A "CATHY" NIGHT, BUT BY THE TIME I ARRIVED BACK IN THE BAY, THERE WAS NO STOPPING ME FROM A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT! 5/07/04: BLIND ITEM! WHO WAS THAT CURMUDGEONLY COMEDIAN CHECKING IN NEXT TO US AT THE STANDARD IN HOLLYWIERD TODAY? YOU WON'T GET ANY ANSWERS FROM ME, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS: SANDALS AND FOUNDATION ON A MAN ARE FAR MORE "POLITICALLY INCORRECT" THAN ANY OF THIS "WAR ON TERROR" BUSINESS. 5/06/04: STOPPED BY MY FRIEND SALLY'S TO PICK UP SOME SUPPLIES WITH WHICH TO REMOVE MY FANTASTIC HAIR EXTENSIONS. THE SALES LADY GRABBED A HANDFUL OF HAIR FROM THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND SAID "GIRL, YOU NEED TO GET ON TOP ONCE IN A WHILE." WE HAD A GOOD LAUGH OVER THAT ONE. 5/5/04: HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FOES! TO CELEBRATE, I HAD A WORKING LUNCH AT MAYA, STOLE A PITCHER OF SANGRIA, AND COERCED MY LUNCHEON COMPANION TO PUSH A MAN INTO A FOUNTAIN. AYE, DIOS MIO! IF YOU ARE DONE READING THIS AND YOU'D LIKE TO GO BACK, THEN CLICK THIS.